1MinuteMuse

I found out today that yesterday, while I was gone, one of my friend’s boyfriends got sick. When ever he comes to visit, he stays in our living room. Diana’s been sick for about 4 weeks now and I think she gave him her sickness to him(just like she gave it to Alyssa. lol). Anyways, Diana ended up calling her one of her frat friends to drive them to the hospital.

Diana didn’t even ask Amy or Alyssa if they can drive. I thought that was strange. Both of them have cars so why not ask since we’re all housemates and everything. I asked Alyssa why she didn’t offer and her reply, “I’m not their chauffeur.”

There was one time when I asked Amy if she could help me return a book to the library since she was going anyways. She asked me, “you’re going to the library just to return the book?” I said, “yeah. Oh hey, can you help me return the book since you’re going anyways? There’s a dropbox on the left side of the library.” What she said made my jaw drop. She said, “Oh, but I’m not going to that side of the library.” I was shocked and and hurt and then annoyed but I tried not to let it bother me. Maybe she had to study so bad that she couldn’t spare time to walk to the other side of the library.

I like Amy and Alyssa a lot. They’re nice people. They’ve helped me in many ways over the year but then sometimes I wonder if they would go out of their way for me. Very small things, probably. If I ever had to go to the hospital, I would like to think I had a friend to drive me to the hospital if I ever got food poisoned.

I need a perky friend.

Someone who’ll say, “OMG! Let’s put some make-up on you. You ain’t looking too good.”

Someone who’ll tell me, “God Jade, do your homework. NOW!”

Someone who’ll say, “Here, let me try to help you…Hmm..uh…this looks kinda complicated…hmm…alright, you’re on your own.”

Someone who will wake me up 5am and say, “let’s go jogging!” I’ll be annoyed and go back to sleep but on good days, I’ll go with her/him even though I hate jogging.

I need to find a hobby. I wonder why I don’t have one.

Is it because I’m a passionless bore?

When people ask me what I like to do with my free time, I can only say that I like to read or watch dramas. That’s not a hobby. To me a it’s just a past-time.

ATTEMPTS:

~I tried to find a hobby once. I learned to play the keyboard in freshman year of high school but forgot everything and every song I’ve ever learned

~I learned to play the guitar the summer I went off to college but I don’t remember a single cord.

~I tried to write a book but I’ve only written 3 pages in the last 4 months.

I haven’t found anything I could stick with. And it frustrates me that I can’t stick with anything long enough to be proficient. I can’t do anything extraordinarily.

Sometimes I wonder If there’s an afterlife. I sure hope so because I just can’t accept that life is so dang short.

Most of us only get to choose:

1 or 2 majors

1 or 2 life partners

1 or 2 serious occupations

1 era

I want more. What’s it like being a CIA agent? What’s it like being Britney Spears? What’s it like being a professor? What’s it like being a doctor in a 3rd world country? What’s it like just being a stay at home mom? What’s it like being Amish? What’s it like being a woman in feudal Japan? What’s it like loving someone who is “The One?”

Today, I watched a documentary with my friend Joyce. It was about Indonesian Warias(men who dress as women). It’s called Tales of the Waria directed by Kathy Huang. I believe their transgender. However, they don’t undergo sex changes because they believe that if God put them in the world as men, they should return to him as men.

I found the film really sad. Many of them had relationship troubles. One man had a husband who also had a wife, making the Waria a pseudo second wife. After more than a decade of marriage, he no longer likes to wear makeup and he undergoes plastic surgery and botox in an attempt to hold his husband’s interest. He knows his husband loves his wife more than him and in the end, the Waria asks for a divorce, even though he says that if it were up to him, he would stay with his husband for eternity. I found his story the saddest.

I think it must be very lonely being a Waria. Wanting to be who people want you to be but trying to live life as you are anyways.

One Waria got married and had 2 children. He no longer dresses up in women clothes and tries to life a normal life with his wife and children. He says he longs for the sound of a man’s heartbeat and the feel of their bodies. But when he wakes up and sees his wife next to him, he remembers that he is now a husband and a father.

It must be hard living a life of “if only”s. People are always leaving because you can’t be everything they(or society) want and need.

Ok, I feel like I’m suffocating from school work. Why is my life all about school?

I find myself procrastinating like hell when a midterm is coming up. I’m in major need of help! I wish I were smarter, more dedicated, more driven. But I’m not. Maybe I just haven’t found my passion yet. Right now, I’m feeling like a lost soul. Like I’m floating between wanting to take a risk and quit school to pursue something besides higher education. But it’s hard to do so when the default choice/expectation is for me to graduate college and contribute to society.

Sometimes I want to cry because I don’t truly like where my life is not or where I’m headed. There are too many unknowns. I don’t know where I’m going or where I’ll land. I’m worried that if I keep free falling, it’ll be too late to land and I’ll always be suspended in a medium of lost dreams and unattainable satisfaction.

I think I’m choosing to follow a path chosen for me because I don’t want to take responsibility for venturing off and failing. If I fail, I can blame my parents for pressuring me with their expectations. But if I fail at my ambitions, I would only have myself to blame. I don’t know where each path would leave me and I pray that maybe I’ll find some reason to take a risk and have no regrets. But it’s too scary venturing into the wilderness and not knowing if I’ll come back out in one piece.

I have a story in my head. Many stories actually. But I don’t know how they all play out. And I can’t help but feel that the life I’m living isn’t meant for me.